On Relationships

As I have matured through different stages in my life, I have found that I go through periods of shedding the different relationships that no longer serve me in my current era. I used to hold onto relationships with so much hope that one day they'd be the same that they were, so I'd tolerate half-ass relationships that only left me feeling drained and not appreciated. I'd saved hundreds of contacts in my phone over the years "just in case" some estranged contacts made their way back into my circle, or even (and I'm a little embarrassed to admit) in case I got sad about not having enough friends and wanted to try and force a few more friendships by inviting new contacts to a get together. I can't even tell you the number of times that I've repeatedly invited girls in my contacts to different events or coffee dates, only to have them always get pushed off and never actually happen. Then begins the cycle of pity when I wonder why girls don't seem to want to be friends...

Relationships have always been a tricky thing for me to master.

In college, I was in a brand new city by myself and I focused on having many friendships and connections to help me cope with being so far away from home, which ultimately led to me joining a sorority that I considered my second extended family. I had the best time while in the sorority hanging out with my “sisters", but began to realize that out of all of my “sisters,” I only had a handful of meaningful relationships. This led me to a point when I began to question why I was essentially buying all of the other friendships as I paid my sorority dues each month. I decided to drop out of the sorority and I have hardly talked to any of my “sisters” since. Some I still follow on social media, and for everyone else I wish them the best. I think my focuses in life just began to differ.

Now, I realize that this is not always the case in terms of sorority experience. Many ladies get an amazing amount of sisterhood, support, and a sense of purpose and belonging from their sorority. And many ladies share a bond with their “sisters” for life, which I think is amazing. And although I felt like I had a place that I belonged, and I was involved and made an effort to make lasting friendships, I just did not have the same experience. And that’s okay too!

But I share my sorority experience for a few reasons. First, to let every girl out there know that it’s okay to go against the popular thing. And that may mean losing relationships along the way or being judged. But at the end of the day, you have to do what’s best for YOU. Because if you really think about it, you’re the only person who’s going to be there for you your entire life. Relationships come and go (and some of them hurt a lot more than others), but your relationship with yourself remains a constant. And your relationship with others is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself.

If you think about your closest relationships right now, what do you think those relationships say about you?

I’ve certainly stayed in friendships way too long and give too much of myself to them because I don’t have the self-respect to say goodbye. I’ve entertained relationships with guys that I didn’t have feelings for or were bad news because they boosted my self-esteem when I needed it (I'm sure we have ALL been there).

But more importantly, I’ve set boundaries in relationships and assessed the ones that need to go (including any one-way relationships, a friend who planned her very last minute destination wedding weekend (with our overlapping friend group) the weekend of my bachelorette party, a relationship where I was the in-between girlfriends confidence boost, bosses that wouldn't teach the job or were not team players, the list goes on and on...). And I've found that as I work to create distance or enforce these boundaries, sometimes people got upset because I don’t normally enforce healthy boundaries for myself (which is what led to me getting taken advantage of in the past).

But on the contrary, I’ve also had friendships that are wonderful and lasting (ones where we set healthy boundaries, grow together, celebrate accomplishments together, and lift each other up). I’ve found the most special friendships in places I wasn’t searching for them, I was just secure in myself and confident. And I’ve been married to the best husband now for almost 5 years. We met at a time when I was whole and content on my own. I wasn’t looking for someone to boost my confidence for me or for someone to make me whole.

Relationships can be an emotional rollercoaster as you navigate the different challenges that life brings. You’re not always going to be the most confident, magnetic person in the room. Some days you won’t even feel like getting out of bed (those are the days that quality relationships are so important!). But looking at the quality of your relationships, are you happy with the people you surround yourself with? Is the focus of your relationships lifting each other up? Or are you getting taken advantage of, in vastly different eras of your lives, or just stagnant?

I’ve come to some hard realizations in my journey of refining my relationships. As much as it was hard to admit to myself, there were friends that I had since childhood that I thought would last forever that I saw drifting apart from me. I’ve cut out relationships and situations that I realized were very toxic and one-sided. So I’m not saying that curating the relationships in your life is going to be quick and easy and painless. Because sometimes, it will really hurt. And sometimes you’ll think it’s the hardest thing you’ll have to do. But remember that just as a spider molts as it grows, it is absolutely natural that as you grown and change you’ll leave certain things behind as well. Ending a relationship that no longer serves you doesn’t have to be a quick and dramatic event, either. It can be a quiet, slow, phasing out.

Healthy relationships give just as much (or more) than they take. As my husband constantly reminds me, it is not always an even 50/50 split despite how much you think it should be. Sometimes you can only give 20% and you take 80% because you need it, and sometimes you have to give more because the other person needs it. That’s life. And as much as we want to always contribute our part, we have to give ourselves some grace in knowing that we won’t always be at 100% ourselves, and that we can’t be in a position to give to others if there isn’t that much left of us.

Have you ever felt what it’s like to give too much of yourself to relationships that don’t give anything back? It is EXHAUSTING. So why do we catch ourselves in this cycle? I thought hard about what fuels my own relationships, and I realized that 1) I want to feel useful/important, 2) I want to help people (but I often feel I know exactly what they need when I don’t), and 3) Because I am empathetic, I feel deeply for people and things, and the thought of cutting ties with someone or leaving them behind makes me really, really sad (especially if I know they really need people in their life). These are the beliefs that frame both how I form my relationships, and how I maintain them- and they will not be the same for everyone. Each person has their own unique set of environmental factors that shapes their view on relationships, but I think it's safe to say that at the very core humans form relationships because we crave importance, connection, and a sense of belonging.

When I did a self-audit of some of the closest relationships I have, I was quick to understand that they needed work. I often chose my career over marriage (something I am still actively working on improving), I prioritized people who did not prioritize me in the same way, I gave too much of myself in relationships, and although I prided myself on my relationship with my family- some of those relationships needed work as well. I have spent A LOT of my twenties on my relationships- curating, auditing, trying to form new ones, dating and marriage, my adult relationship with my parents and siblings, and more. And this may be the wake up call you need to start curating better relationships too.

Have any other relationship advice? Drop it in the comments below!

Cheers my Dears,

Alexandria