The Power of No: Why Healthy Boundaries Change Everything

Boundaries are the hardest lines to draw. Not only is it hard to finally put your foot down on something and deal with the aftermath of doing so, but they also must be continuously reinforced- a reason why many boundaries crack under pressure.

For those of us who are oldest daughters or people-pleasers, boundaries are scary. We are used to being the ones that everyone can depend on, and sometimes we'd rather die than put our foot down and risk looking like the "difficult" ones. Our whole lives are spent being accommodating and putting others first, so the moment we decide to put ourselves first on something, we can be met with backlash.

But what I've found in my 20+ years of people-pleasing can be summarized with a metaphor that we all know: You have to put your oxygen mask on before you can help someone else put on theirs. If you are so depleted from being everyone else's "yes" person, you can't be there for yourself. And if you don't take the time to refuel yourself, you can't be there for others to the fullest extent. A serious lack of boundaries will lead you to eventually feel taken advantage of and burnt out. I have certainly been there (and still am). My relationship with boundaries has been tumultuous.

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My Relationship With Boundaries

I got married shortly after college during a time when I felt my career was just getting started. My husband, who is older than me and has had longer to establish his career, has been very patient and understanding as I work hard to establish mine. But my career as a meeting & events planner means that I travel a lot, and on top of that I started my own wedding planning business on the side (which takes up a lot of weekends and weeknight hours). I worked fast and hard to establish myself quickly so that my husband would not have to be relied on heavily for all of the finances, and so that I could work towards the end of an arduous but short tunnel- where my husband and I came out on the other side both established and respected in our career fields and could just enjoy the time together and the fruits of our labor. Being on different areas of our career trajectories for the last few years has really been something that I struggle with, because I have tried to work really hard to overcompensate for the age (and career gap) in our relationship. I thought that putting in overtime was the answer, but it only led to me being burnt out and unavailable to my husband- emotionally and physically.

As someone who is new to having an office job, I became a “yes” worker. There wasn’t a lot that I turned down, and I struggled to set boundaries at work. I've seen others at my job lose their sense of self in their work, because of their dedication to their company. I never wanted to be that person, but because I was surrounded by people whose lines between personal and professional life were blurred, I didn't know there was another way to be a good employee. I’ve realized only recently that boundaries are healthy and normal, and that they need to be enforced consistently (not just once or twice) in order to stick. And now that is something I am really focusing on because I can’t keep going down the road of burnout and neglecting self-care and my marriage because I can’t say no. I am at a point of complete burnout, and I need to work to make some changes. I have decided that I am no longer making myself available to additional job duties, people and things that don't fuel me, and situations that drain me. I owe it to myself, my husband, and my friends.

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Boundary Setting

When it comes to boundaries, you should think of several categories: personal, professional, and relationship.

When setting personal boundaries, you should think of things like social commitments, religious values, rules that protect your wellbeing, etc. Here are some examples of personal boundaries that I am working to enforce this year:

• No more than 2 big social commitments a week

• Leave at least 1 weekend a month open for rest and catch up

• Don't commit to everything right away. Pause and think about it. Ask if you can get back to them tomorrow

• No electronics after 8pm

• Sleep from 10pm-6am

• Cut ties with things and people that drain me and add negativity to my life

When setting professional boundaries, you should think of delineating your work from your personal time, things that are outside of the scope of your job, dealing with coworkers, how much of your personal life you share, etc. Here are some examples of professional boundaries that I am working to enforce this year:

• I do not answer work texts or calls before 8am or after 5:30pm (unless on-site for a conference or event)

• During my lunch break, I go somewhere else or shut my door, put my phone on DND, and exit out of my email

• I always give myself 30 minutes to prep before each meeting, and I'm working on giving myself 30 minutes after every meeting to do follow-up. No back to back meetings

• If I am in a meeting, my phone goes on DND and I shut my door

• When I walk to get coffee, I don't always offer to get all of my coworkers coffee

• No weekend travel (unless for our annual conference, or if I can make a vacation with my husband out of it)

• Only certain people have my cell phone number, I do not give it out to everyone

• Never book 2 weddings in one weekend

When setting relationship boundaries, you should think of how you separate "you" time from "us" time, how you want to show up in your relationship, etc. Here are some examples of relationship boundaries that I am working to enforce this year:

• Date night on the 12th of every month (the 12th is the day we got married, so it's an easy date for us to remember. Plus it's a fun challenge to come up with different dates for different days of the week every month)

• If I need alone time, I'll work from my office instead of the living room

• When emotions are high I give myself some space to think clearly and calmly about the situation before speaking in the heat of the moment

• Never threaten divorce

• My husband and I talk about all major decisions together and run smaller commitments by each other

• Having my own hobbies and friends outside of our relationship, and spending intentional time with those friends

It seems people get mad about boundary settings for the following reasons:

1) Because they are jealous that you can successfully draw and enforce a certain boundary when maybe they feel they cannot. Maybe they weren't taught about boundaries.

2) They can no longer control you. Boundaries that you enforce can disrupt their expectations. When someone is used to a certain level of availability, accommodation, or compliance, a new boundary can feel like rejection—even when it isn’t.

3) They don't understand your boundary. If boundaries are not consistent, it can lead to confusion and frustration. It is up to you to define what your boundaries are, vocalize them, and work to keep reinforcing them.

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Final Thoughts

Remember, setting boundaries is not only normal—it is necessary. Despite what corporate America and the glorification of "hustle culture" may suggest, you are not meant to give every ounce of yourself to your work at the expense of your well-being. A balanced life is not a sign of complacency; it is a mark of self-respect and sustainability. Achieving that balance requires intentional boundaries—personally, professionally, and within your relationships. When thoughtfully set and consistently honored, boundaries allow every part of your life to move in harmony, rather than in competition with one another.

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Cheers,

Alexandria